Teaching “I messages”

Posted on July 22, 2010 by Shaindel

Many times, when a child complains about not wanting to go to school, it usually means that the other children are picking on him, making fun of him, pushing him around and excluding him. This is so painful to bear that the child rarely tells his parents. But the pain is there, boring a hole in his heart, and Pete has no idea what to do about it. One of the worst things that a parent or teacher can say is: “Just ignore it and walk away,” or “He’s just jealous. Twenty years from now, you’ll be a somebody and watch, he’ll be a nobody.” If a child just ignores it and walks away form a child who is bothering him, that child will usually want to torment him even more, to the point of really hurting Pete, physically or emotionally. As for waiting 20 years… the pain is here and now, and Pete needs to know what to do before 20 years have passed!

To me, the most helpful tools we can give our children are tools that will help them become assertive (not aggressive). We want to teach our children to confront the bullies in a civilized, direct, open, honest way without steamrolling anyone. There are many ways to do this – we will discuss two of them.

First and foremost, we want to teach our children to give an “I message”. This takes some practice, but if children learn to do this when the issue involved is not as confrontational as the school issue is, over little areas of conflict, then he can pull out this tool when needed as well. How do we do this?

An “I message” starts with the word “I” and is used to express ones feelings, desires and opinions in a clear, honest confident way in any area of conflict. This should be taught with respect, and with the appropriate tone of voice and body language, since this counts even more than the actual message.

Some examples:

  • I want (to go home now).
  • I don’t want (you to tease me).
  • I feel (like you’re not listening to me).
  • I don’t feel (like wearing these shoes).
  • I am (on the phone now).
  • I am not (interested in going to a party on the other side of the lake).

To soften the message, so that it doesn’t sound so rough, it is important to preface the message with what you think the other person is feeling. This is especially vital when dealing with a parent, a teacher or principal or any authority figure, which must be phrased as a question, according to social etiquette.

Examples between peers:

  • No hard feeling, but I want to go home now.
  • You might get mad, but I don’t want you to tease me.
  • You might disagree, but I feel like you’re not listening to me.
  • This is hard for me to tell you, but I don’t feel like wearing these shoes.
  • I hope you won’t mind but actually, I am on the phone now.
  • You may not like to hear this, but I am not interested in going to a party on the other side of the lake.

Now let’s get back to our Pete. Using this tool, Pete should look the bully straight in the eye, without any emotion or fear and say something like: “I don’t like when you call me names – stop it!” Keep staring at the bully just long enough to let him know you mean business… and then walk away.

Is this hard to do? You bet! Can it be learned? Most certainly. Most children are too timid to do this at first, so parents should rehearse and role play the situation till the child gets it down pat. The parent can play the bully, the child can play himself and someone else in the family can be the director, till the lines come out right. This will give Pete a sense of control and make him feel less vulnerable.

This is only a starting point, albeit a very powerful one, in dealing with people who are tormenting you. There are many other things that can and should be done in conjunction with this. The main thing that Pete should know is that standing up for himself, non-violently, in the moment abuse occurs is his human right. Seeking vengeance and action aggressively is a mistake.

The second assertive tool that we want to teach our children is to learn to feel comfortable in saying “no” without a need for explanation. Our lives become greatly defined by what things we say “no” to, as well as what things we say “yes” to.

Adolescents, in particular, are always getting into trouble because they find it hard to say no to things that they know are not good for them or things that they don’t want to do. Driving without a license, drinking alchohol, smoking, cheating on tests, being mean to others, the internet, etc. are just a few examples where children risk many moments of extreme unhappiness in their lives because of the inability to say no. Shy children suffer from this even more so.

There are many ways to say no comfortably:

  • No, thanks.
  • No, but thanks for asking.
  • No, but thanks for inviting me.
  • No, I just won’t be able to.
  • No, my mother doesn’t let.
  • No, I just don’t want to.
  • No, but maybe another time.
  • No, I just can’t.
  • This may sound dumb, but I really don’t feel like it.
  • No, I’ve got something else going.
  • No, but maybe we could do something else.
  • No, but thanks for thinking of me.
  • No, I’m afraid I’ll get into trouble.
  • No, I’m just not comfortable doing that.
  • I like being with you, but I can’t do this.

Once again, practice and role lay real life situations with your Pete, until he is comfortable saying “no”.

Thousands of kids go to school every day filled with fear and trepidation, for one reason or another. Others feign illness to avoid going to school. By teaching our children to be assertive, when need be, we are making it possible for our children to go to school with their heads held high, with joy and with minds open to learning.

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Which high school? Big or small?

Posted on July 21, 2010 by Shaindel

Question: My 8th grade daughter, who is a selective mute and has never yet spoken in school, will be entering high school this fall. She has a choice of two schools to attend. One school is new, with small classes. The teachers are young and eager to please, and we feel this may offer our daughter a fresh start, and the small classes may make it more opportune for her to begin speaking in school. The other school is the bigger, more established school in town, with experienced older teachers. There is one neighborhood girl who is friendly to my daughter who will be attending this school. Which school should we choose?

Answer: In this particular case, there is no question that I would go with the more established, bigger school, the main consideration being that your daughter will have a friend in her class, something that she no doubt is sorely longing for, someone who will make school an inviting place to be.

Besides for this reason, new schools usually attract girls who are looking for something just a little different – either the girls aren’t fully mainstreamed, or the program or the learning is not straight down the center. Quiet girls crave conformity, fitting in with the crowd, and will not feel comfortable having to make changes.

As a parent, however, it is imperative to turn heaven and earth over in order to help your daughter. Including kindergarten, she has already spent at least 9 years not speaking in school! Do you realize what this means? If she is like most selective mutes, she is smart, capable, and talented, with tons of potential waiting to burst forth from her. Yet, she sits by, day after relentless day, not being able to show her potential abilities. Without friends, she probably has no one to sit with at lunch time, no one to walk to classes with, no one to shmooze with on the bus, no one to play with at recess time, no one to chum up and hang out with.  She is probably excluded from parties, games, and performances. With no one paying attention to her, no one calling on her in class, no one including her in anything, she must feel totally invisible – how heart rending! Her self- esteem must be at ground zero by now, and she must be extremely angry at the system for not having helped her till now. Her very life blood has been snuffed out of her.

Your daughter is entering high school – a time of life where her values and sense of self will form in a way that will strongly impact on her future. It is late, very late, but not too late – to help this precious daughter of yours, no matter the cost, no matter where you have to travel to get the help she so desperately needs. Don’t wait a minute longer! Don’t wait until she “grows out of the problem”. (It hasn’t happened yet, has it?)

Give the person who works with her a fair chance; flitting from one therapist to another will not be beneficial for your daughter, nor will 3 or 4 sessions with meager results be reason to terminate a therapist. You should see someone once or twice a week on a consistent basis and that person should work closely with your child’s school and teachers. Let this be the #1 priority in your life right now, and you will surely see abundant satisfaction from your daughter.

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Why doesn’t my child get invited over by friends?

Posted on August 20, 2009 by Shaindel

Question: My daughter is in first grade. She is one of the oldest in her class. She is my oldest child and the only girl. She is bright, has personality and is very mature. She can be bossy and likes to be a leader. She loves company and constantly needs friends to play with. She is very sociable in school and the girls like her (-per her teachers). Sometimes she is even too busy playing during recess to eat her snack. Every Sunday my daughter goes through her friend list and calls girls from her class to invite them over. Sometimes a friend comes and sometimes no one is available. My big question is – Why doesn’t my daughter ever get invited over to a friend’s house? Sometimes my daughter comes home from school and says that so and so wants me to invite them over. When friends come to my house they have a good time. They can come a few times and they don’t invite her back. Why do you think this is happening?

Answer: Friendship must be reciprocal, and obviously something is happening that is not reciprocal. It may be that children are coming to your house because of your nice toys, or great treats or because your daughter is available, but not necessarily because the friend shares common interests with your daughter and likes doing the same things she likes doing. You say that she can be bossy and likes to be a leader. Being a good sport requires letting others also have fun and not dominating the activity. It requires one to let her guest choose what to play and not boss her around, and it requires one not to criticize her guest in any way. This means that comments such as “You’re a cheater!” “You’re out!” “That’s a babyish game to play!” are totally inappropriate when hosting a friend. Praising your friend often, even when she makes a bad move, and avoiding arguments at all costs will help your daughter keep her friends. Teach her the art of negotiation, help her learn to suggest a change in the activity or switching positions so that the friend won’t get bored with her. “How about if you be the Mommy now and I’ll be the baby?” “How about if I turn the rope and you jump?” My suggestion to you as a mother would be to monitor her play sessions from an adjoining room, and try to figure out what is going wrong. When you hear your daughter breaking basic rules of friendship, gently and privately call her out and remind her. Soon, not only will she be socially correct, she will soon be sought after as a playmate of choice by her classmates.

Success!

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Anxiety in reading something in public

Posted on August 14, 2009 by Shaindel

Question: I belong to a prayer group which meets every week. Usually, the leader of the group says the chapter out loud and the rest of us follow along quietly. This week they changed the rules. They announced that each lady will say a portion out loud, so that each person gets a chance to lead the group. When I heard that, as the ladies were reading, I immediately started counting heads to see when it would be my turn. As it was getting closer and closer for me to read, I started to panic and was deliberating whether to read at all or not. But I told myself, here I am, a grown woman – am I going to be the only one not reading? Suddenly, it was my turn, and after reading only two lines in a very low voice, I found myself saying “mm…, mm…” meaning, next person can read. I pass!

I was really so embarrassed with myself and was wondering why I acted in such a fashion. Can you explain what happened?

Answer: Why indeed would a 50 year old woman act like this? This beautiful, vivacious, charismatic mother of an illustrious family, who in her youth, had been head counselor in a well known camp, and who together with her very prominent husband is a bastion of values, help and community activism, shut down to such a degree that one would almost suspect her of not being able to read!

There are a number of factors that created the above scenario. This woman is innately sensitive and shy, and as such, being in the spotlight, reading aloud by herself, was enough to make her feel uncomfortable. Added to this, and much more important, was the element of surprise. She didn’t know in advance that there would be a new procedure in how the chapter would be read and she had no way to prepare herself or gauge the activity in advance. In her past activities, as a head counselor, as one who headed and organized all types of community projects, she was prepared, and prepared to be the leader, even with surprises that such a role inevitably brings.

Lastly, there was an element of force, which again, timid people do not react positively to. If she wouldn’t have read, she would have felt like a fool; since she did read without being really ready, the words didn’t come out in the strong, confident voice that she usually has. Other factors that would also bring a person to such a point would be having a person read first, and making a fuss over the person who was reading. Since we all, at times, experience what this woman went through, knowing why it happens and how normal this is can make a huge difference in how a person feels about themselves.

If this was a rare occurrence, this woman should just realize why this happened, why she reacted in this way, understand that under the circumstances, it is normal behavior, and go on with her life. If, however, these episodes are more frequent, then she should deal with it as one deals with other anxieties and fears, until they become manageable and minimal.

Being aware and being prepared will make all the difference.

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How do develop an ability to make decisions

Posted on August 14, 2009 by Shaindel

Summary: In the last article, we addressed a 10th grade girl who was constantly doubting herself, afraid to make decisions, and fearful of doing simple things like answering the phone. We spoke about training oneself to trust one’s intuition. The first suggestion was to start making predictions and observe how you feel when you are right. Below are a few more ideas on how to strengthen your decision-making abilities.

Learn to make good quick decisions, in 10 seconds or less. The more good quick decisions you make, the less time you will spend waiting for perfection – the perfect moment, the perfect choice, the perfect way to do something – and thus, the less time you will spend procrastination. When you go out to eat, decide what you are going to order in 10 seconds or less. When you are going home, decide in 10 seconds or less which route you will take.

Another way to teach yourself to trust your intuition, especially with big decisions, is by doing the following: Let’s say, for example, you are trying to decide which outfit to buy for an event. Each decision has its merits and demerits, its pros and cons. You can write the pros on one side of a paper, the cons on the other side, but you still can’t reach a decision. What you can do at this point is to flip a coin – heads, you buy this outfit; tails, you buy the other one. Then, quickly ask yourself, after flipping the coin – how do I feel about the outcome? The point is, we don’t want to just flip a coin; we want to observe how we feel about the outcome. We really know the truth, which outfit we want to buy but we get involved with all this analyzing, – with all sorts of calculations – that we don’t get down to what the truth is. The minute the penny starts flipping in the air, you know what you’re hoping; it’s simply a way to get to the truth.

Lastly, spend 10 or 20 minutes a day simply doing nothing and being quiet. This will force you to turn inwards, become introspective, and get a different perspective on what’s going on in your life. We need to have that quiet time every day, for the more inwardly we turn, the intuitive we’ll become.

There is a story told about two woodchoppers. Woodchopper A had a much bigger pile of wood than Woodchopper B, even though they both worked for 9 hours. Woodchopper B asked Woodchopper A how he managed to have such a big pile of wood, especially since he seemed to take a break every 30 minutes or so. Woodchopper A answered: “It’s true. I do take a break every half hour. But that’s when I sharpen my ax, and with a sharper ax, I’m able to get more done!”

We too need to take a break every day to sharpen our ax, so to speak. By taking the time to think, you will find yourself becoming more intuitive, more focused about decisions you have to make, more sensitive and more empathetic towards others. You will learn to trust yourself more and more and build your own self-esteem.

Success!

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My son, the Bully

Posted on August 14, 2009 by Shaindel

Question: My five year old son, Jack, is quite a bully, if I do say so myself. In school, he is forever trying to push the kids around – he is bigger, stronger and more vocal than the other children his age – yet, to some extent, the teacher is able to manage him. The real problem is at home. We have a next door neighbor, Mark, who is Jack’s age. Jack says he doesn’t like him and doesn’t want to play with him. Mark is a fine, gentle child and when I ask Jack why he doesn’t want to play with him, he simply answers, “Because.” In addition, we have a beautiful swing set in our backyard. All the neighbor’s children are welcome to play in the yard, but Jack insists that Mark cannot play. He is making life miserable for me, for Mark and for Mark’s mother! I am tempted to tell Jack that if he doesn’t let Mark play, the police will come and lock him up in jail! (I have another neighbor who lives 3 houses away who really is a police officer!) What do you think of this idea?

Answer: As I read your email, many questions came to mind:

A)    Why isn’t the bullying issue being addressed?

B)     Why isn’t sweet, fine, gentle Mark being taught to be more assertive?

C)    How is it that Jack calls the shots in his family, and not his parents? Who bought the swing set, if not his parents, and who should determine who should play on it, if not his parents?

Putting the above issues aside, I would like to focus primarily on your threatening Jack with calling the police to lock him up in jail.

Creating a strong feeling of trust between a parent and child is one of the foundations of instruction. Without this inner security, a child lacks the courage to step forward in the world, to learn, to grow and to experiment with the challenges that life brings. When a child is lacking this inner security, his craving and need for it will cause him to seek other ways trying to cultivate it, often acting in negative behavior which only brings him negative attention, thereby increasing the very insecurities he is trying to erase.

Trust does not happen because a parent says: “Trust me.” It develops slowly, bit by bit, with many trustworthy interactions between the parent and child, until the secure faith between them is built and established.

When a parent says something that will be enforced, trust is being built. When a parent says something that will not or cannot be enforced, trust is being eroded. It’s as simple as that. Saying that the police will come and lock Jack in jail is not an enforceable statement. How many 5 year olds do you know who are currently languishing in jail because they didn’t let their neighbor play on their swing set?

Teachers and parents often, in their exasperation, hurl out unenforceable statements:

“The next person who talks is not going on the class trip.”

“If you don’t clean up your toys, you’ll never see them again.”

“You’re never leaving this table until you finish your string beans.”

“If you two don’t stop fighting in the back seat of the car, I’m dropping you off at the side of the road and you can walk home.” (And you’re 20 miles away from home).

Of course, much emotional restraint is necessary on the part of the parent to refrain from using these negative outbursts. Nevertheless, when a parent realizes how ineffective such comments are, she will control herself, just as she expects her child control himself. This modeling of self-control will teach a valuable lesson to our Jack, who surely needs to learn it.

How wise would it be to be careful with the words that we use!

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Disastrous play date: what went wrong??

Posted on August 14, 2009 by Shaindel

Question: My son Daniel is three and half years old and is very socially awkward in school. You had suggested having play dates on a regular basis. Upon the teacher’s recommendation, we invited Ari over. Ari was perfect; he is a talkative and outgoing little fellow. At first, things were going wonderfully – they were talking and laughing together, and building with clicks. Then I went to nurse my baby. When I came out, my two year old joined them and he and Daniel had taken magic markers and colored up Ari’s hands and face. Ari was crying and wanted to go home. The rest of the afternoon was a disaster. What went wrong and what could I do in the future to have this into a successful play date?

Answer: Having friends come to your house one on one, is the absolutely best way to make and deepen a friendship, which you did. However, at this young age, and with a socially awkward child, you need to make sure of a few procedures:

A)    Keep the playtime to a limit. For such a child, having a friend come for an hour is long enough. After a friend comes to you a few times, start to gradually extend the time. Your goal should be a successful afternoon, and four hours together was too long and too taxing for your child.

B)     Host only play dates that you can personally supervise. You needn’t be in the room while your son is playing, but you should be in the next room, so you can overhear that all is going well – another reason for a shorter playtime. Also, keep anything that is not age-appropriate out of reach. In this case, this would have included markers!

C)    Make sure brothers and sisters are busy elsewhere. You needn’t send them out of the house, but Daniel and Ari are entitled to their own space and meddling siblings will only disrupt their friendship that is developing.

D)    Teach your child to be a good host. A few simple rules ought to include:

1)      Put away toys and games which you don’t want your guest to use.

2)      Be loyal to your guest. This means, not leaving the room and having the guest entertain himself. It also means not having others intrude, including little brothers.

3)      If bored, teach your child to suggest another activity, one which the guest will also enjoy (not having the guest’s hands and face markered up!)

4)      The guest is always right. For the hour or so that your son is having a guest, he should be willing to bend over backwards to please his guest. If Daniel wants to play with clicks, and Ari, his guest wants to play with trucks, then trucks should win out – because Ari is the guest. Comments such as: “You’re a cheater!” or “That’s a dumb game to play”, will distance the guest, together with any other criticism, and he will be reluctant to come again to your house.

Since Ari was a suitable friend for your son, I would call his mother, explain what happened, apologize, and hope and pray that after a week or so, he’ll be ready to come again. If not, look for other classmates to join Daniel for future play times. While neighbors and friends are also choices, they are mainly friends of convenience and do not present the challenge that a classmate does.

Good luck!

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My child doesn’t want to go to school or camp! The why

Posted on August 14, 2009 by Shaindel

Question: My son Aaron is eleven-years-old, is very bright, but very timid, and doesn’t want to go to school. As summer is approaching, he is also adamant about not going to camp. Should I force him? I think the social interaction will be good for him.

 

Answer: A child who refuses to go to school may do so for a variety of reasons. Let’s examine some of them and see where your son may fit in.

  • He may suffer from separation anxiety, fearing that something terrible may happen to you, his parent(s) while he is in school. Timid children are overloaded with fears.
  • He may have a touch of OCD and cannot find, say, the right shirt or socks to wear in the morning, and cannot tolerate the discomfort of wearing the wrong clothes all day.
  • He may have performance anxiety and will be nervous if the rebbe calls on him.
  • He may be socially inept, and is afraid of being alone at recess, lunchtime or on the bus.
  • He may have a fear of being bullied. Timid children are usually the perfect targets for bullies, are often laughed at and made fun of, often have their snacks grabbed away and are tormented in other ways.
  • He may have general anxiety, imagining he won’t do well on tests and doesn’t rate well in school.
  • He may be displaying oppositional behavior, and is altogether angry at a school that is supposed to represent values – values of kindness, compassion, going the extra mile, love and helping the downtrodden – and he perceives that nothing is done to help him. He may also be angry because he thinks the rules in his school are too strict, that he is in a “jail.”
  • He may have problems adjusting to transitions, and school is full of transitions and surprises.
  • He may simply be too exhausted to face the new day. Shy, timid children spend so much emotional energy worrying and obsessing over their lack of friends that they do not sleep well at night and often have eating disorders.
  • In an effort to bring such a child out, a teacher may often “pick” on a child, and make them feel ashamed or stupid. “What’s the problem, you lost your tongue?” or “If you don’t speak up, we’ll cut off your tongue!” are unfortunately the kind of hurtful, damaging comments that sometimes slip out of the mouths of some frustrated teachers. Since this shy child cannot speak up for himself, it is easier not to go to school at all.

As you can see, there may be many reasons why your son does not want to go to school. Since your question is so brief, and I don’t really know what is triggering your son’s opposition, it is imperative to determine the root cause for your son’s refusal to go to school. I will deal with solutions in my next article, but it is important to be aware of a few basics.

  1. While school is non-negotiable and required, camp is not. Many quiet children do not do well in camp; they feel terribly isolated on trips, during sports (they are often picked last or choose not to play) and, except for arts and crafts, throughout the day. I feel that until such a child learns communication and social skills, he can have a great summer at home in a secure environment providing the parents keep him busy with safe activities.
  2. Quiet children are experts at withdrawing and isolating themselves from the mainstream. These are the most powerful factors that perpetuate fear and anxiety. Avoidance fuels anxiety through a process known as negative reinforcement, which is actually a reward for this behavior. These children must be taught appropriate ways to cope, and how to break the vicious cycle of avoidance. With this understanding, I do not suggest home schooling or looking for excuses to keep this child home from school, which is mandatory, but as far as camp is concerned, I would not force the issue.

 

Good luck!

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My child doesn’t want to go to school or camp! Solutions!

Posted on August 13, 2009 by Shaindel

We presented many reasons why a child may refuse to attend school or camp, and mentioned that it is imperative to find out the main reason for this particular child. Depending on the reason, here are a few suggestions that might be helpful:

  • Validate your child. Saying things like: “That’s silly,” “You’re such a baby,” “Too bad, you just have to go,” will belittle and dismiss the child’s concerns. By empathizing and validating your child, much of the emotion will be drawn away; most children just want to know that they have been heard. Even a simple, “That’s a big problem…” or “Oh…” may be enough.
  • Address and remedy legitimate concerns, if possible. If the problem is one of learning difficulties, meet with the teacher and strategize. Allow oral work; provide teacher outlines; give shorter assignments; allow multiple-choice format for tests, rather than essay format; and identify specific reasons for the learning difficulty.
  • If the child is being bullied, teach him how to be assertive. If the child is socially insecure, teach social skills. If the child feels that the teacher “picks” on him and makes him feel stupid, respectfully bring it up with the teacher.
  • If your child does stay home, don’t make it fun! There should be no perks like videos, tapes or CD’s, sleeping late or playing. You want to simulate the school environment as much as possible. You want to follow the school schedule, you want class work and homework completed, and you want your child sitting at the table or desk while he does it.
  • If your child is home from camp (after you have paid the full non-refundable fee up front!) make it clear that he will have to amuse himself during the time he should have been in camp. You want to minimize attention to negative behaviors, and maximize and reward desirable behaviors.
  • You want to expose your child to school/camp a little at a time; first, just driving to the school or camp, then staying for a short while during a low anxiety activity. Gradually, you can increase the time to one period, then half a day, and eventually a full day.

At some point, you may want to talk to your child about courage. Courage is such a basic virtue, for upon it, so many others depend. Every time that one practices being courageous and faces his fears, he will feel stronger and better about himself, will like himself more, and feel more competent and empowered. He will feel better inside.

However, the opposite is also true. Every time that one runs away from what he fears – in this case school or camp – he will feel weaker and worse about himself. He will feel powerless and hate himself. He will feel miserable and unhappy.

The fear of failure and rejection is the single greatest obstacle to success in life, so talk about those who failed, but kept plugging away and eventually succeeded. Every baby that learned to walk had to first fall and fail in the process. Every child who learned to ride a bike or roller-blade had to first fail before he succeeded. Everyone who learned to talk had to mispronounce words countless times before he got it right (only when a child is young do we think that it sounds so cute!). Thomas Edison had thousands of failures before he discovered the right filament for the electric light bulb. Examples are endless.

You can explain that the antidote to the fear of failure is the courage to take action, however small that action is. It’s like doing push-ups: the first time a person tries, he may be able to do only one or two, but if he does them regularly, in time he will be able to do twenty-five. However, it requires a constant exercise regimen in order to reach one’s goal.

So too, when you move toward your fears, yet do what you fear anyway, you are exhibiting tremendous self-discipline. You will feel terrific about yourself, you will be gaining control over your life, and life’s difficulties will become easier and easier. Your fears will no longer control you; rather, you will control them.

Good luck!

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A TALE OF TWO BEDS

Posted on August 13, 2009 by Shaindel

The other week, I was admitted to the hospital to treat an infection, I was placed in a room with four beds. In one bed was an Italian lady, we’ll call her Mrs. Lambasto, who spent every waking moment criticizing and demanding anything and everything from the nurse. “Phone!! Phone!! she screamed at the top of her lungs.” Nurse! I dropped my phone! Nurse! Get my Phone! Now! Why don’t you listen to me?!“ or ”Pancakes again?! I can’t believe the food they serve in the hospital! Why isn’t there a nutritionist or something around here?” On and on it went, morning, noon, and night. Quite incredible to listen to, with not a good word for anyone. One day, a male intern came into insert an IV line. “Mrs. Lambasto”, he told her, as he examined her arm, “you have terrible veins. In fact, you only have one vein that I can possibly use. If this doesn’t work, I’ll have to put a big fat tube in your neck. You wouldn’t like that, would you? So you’ll have to hold real still for me. Don’t move! Don’t breathe! RELAX!!” Noticing that this woman was having a hard time relaxing (I wonder why…), he started to further intimidate her. “If you don’t relax, your veins start to close up. You better relax! If not, you’ll get that tube in your neck, and that’s not fun!” At this point, the intern saw that this approach was not working, so he tried something else. “Ya got any friends? Anybody come to visit you?” Mrs. Lambasto, who obviously didn’t have too many friends, and didn’t have any visitors answered in a low voice “I live far away…” After asking a few more related questions, “Does anyone call you? How come no one visits you? You look like a nice lady…”, Mrs. Lambasto’s voice got lower and lower, until she was barely whispering to him. Finally, the clincher. “How old are you?” the intern demanded. At this question, Mrs. Lambasto, who had been so assertive and proud, totally shut down, turned her head away, and refused to speak any longer.

            In the other bed lay a 94 year old woman named Jane. In the four days that I was there, Jane hadn’t woken up – even once. Her family and the hospital staff made a valiant attempt to wake her. They turned the TV on loudly to all different kinds of programs. They tried moving her position from time to time. And they spoke to her constantly, with love, compassion and respect. “Jane, can you open just one eye for me? Come baby. Yonina (her pet name), can you look at me? Do you like this channel, or should we change it?” The amazing thing that I noticed, was that every time that someone spoke to Jane in this kindly fashion, she responded! She kept making sounds: “Ah, ah, ah”, but she did respond.

            Listening to all these goings on from behind my curtain, I became acutely aware that what I was listening to does not happen just in a hospital ward, it happens all around us all the time. The way a boss speaks to his worker, the way a spouse speaks to their other half, the way a parent speaks to a child, the way a friend speaks to a friend. The way anyone speaks to their fellow man, all determines whether one will shut down and become mute, or open up and respond.

            A fitting lesson for us all. May all our words be uplifting and encouraging.

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